A friend of our just asked how long Delia and I have been together:
“Nineteen years!” Since 2002.
After congratulating us on almost two decades, our friend asked … HOW?
To what do I attribute this accumulation of years Delia and I have together?
Of course luck and good fortune are part of it, like meeting at an earlier era on the internet, but there is a lot more to it than that. Example: meeting via internet dating waaaaaay before apps like Tinder existed was more than happenstance; just BEING on the internet and comfortable with the risks of meeting people in a way most people still thought of as crazy and scary (or hadn’t even heard of) already meant we had a bunch of significant things in common.
Since so many of our fans over the years want to know HOW to recognize and create a relationship like ours in their own lives, it’s worth exploring and sharing with you some reasons we’re together, still, and happy. How come it keeps feeling good to us after all of these years.
People want to know if there is hope for them; what advice would I give? I can’t just say, “find someone like Delia!” (she is one of a kind so that’s not really possible, and if you are not also someone like I am then who knows what would work for you).
Relationships can be boiled down to compatibility, so that is where I would start: COMPATIBILITY.
Delia and I are super compatible. We are compatible in lots of important areas where the odds are against finding compatibility for weirdo dreamy introverts like us. Again, part of this is luck, but more of it is being able to recognize that “luck” when it finds us, to know who we are and what is important to us, and to prioritize those big things we have in common … to recognize that compatibility doesn’t just fall into most of our laps. It is special.
We are super lucky in 2021 that where we live and work right at the moment doesn’t limit our ability to connect with people we are compatible with the way it did in the last century. If we are honest with ourselves and each other about who we are and what we want most in relationships, there are more opportunities to find people we’re compatible with than there ever were before.
How do you find out if you’re compatible with someone else?
Here are just three methods people use to determine compatibility that I think are super interesting:
BIRTH ORDER
Some people say birth order is a good predictor of compatibility; in my experiences it is true that I as a first-born have my closest and most comfortable relationships with people who are middle children (not other first-borns, not onlies, and usually not the youngest of siblings). Delia is a middle child. AWESOME!
I think birth order a bigger deal than a lot of people recognize; I don’t know very many people who give it any consideration, but I’ve noticed the couples who fight and bicker the most almost always are “incompatible” from a birth order perspective.
ASTROLOGY
It continues to blow my mind how many people use astrology as a way to determine compatibility, but most of us are at least curious about what “the stars say” about our potential as “mates” depending on where the sun and moon and planets and constellations were when we and our love interests were born.
I don’t believe this really has any impact on who we are or whether or not we’re compatible with each other except that it’s totally true in the case of Delia and I mwahahaha!
While I would never advise anyone to seriously rely on astrology to make any relationship decisions, you can definitely tell something about your compatibility with someone else by comparing your beliefs, opinions and reactions to astrology. Like, if you think reading horoscopes is harmless inspiring fun but someone else thinks it’s deadly serious or deadly stupid … chances are your values (and ways of behaving when you come up against different beliefs and opinions) are incompatible in other areas where boundaries tend to be important. The boundaries people put on their imaginations and the amount of power people give to human imaginings might seem intangible and inconsequential, but those are things that inform most of our hopes and fears. Any differences of STRONG opinion when it comes to stuff like astrology is a red flag for a whole lot of other landmines down the road.
AGE COHORTS
I’ve had romantic and sexual relationships with people significantly older and significantly younger than I am (over ten years difference). Delia and I were born fewer than four years apart. Having experienced intimate relationships with people where there was a bigger age gap, I’m certain that Delia’s and my relative closeness in age absolutely enhances our compatibility.
Even though we grew up halfway across the country from each other, we share memories. We were similarly enculturated and had the same kinds of technology available (or just out of reach) to us at the same times in our lives. The ability to be nostalgic about the same things is a huge compatibility booster, kind of like speaking the same language.
So many of the same things made big impressions on us and shaped how we illustrated our dreams and wishes. When you don’t share any of those memories at the same impressionable times of life — like being the same age when personal computers became a thing, or being nearly the same age and remembering where we were when the Space Shuttle blew up, or remembering when Parental Advisory stickers started showing up on records (or just, like, RECORD STORES) — it can be a lonely source of grief, not being able to enjoy recollections together, or having a partner who takes things for granted that were extraordinarily novel and imbued with magic for you.
There are tons of different ways to gauge compatibility (and lots more important things I’m grateful Delia and I have in common) that can make or break a lot of relationships. I know, I know … you want me to talk about SEX! I’ll just keep hitting on more of them until we get there: love languages, belief systems, introversion vs extroversion, and more.
Thanks for giving me an excuse to list and be grateful for all of the things that work really well for Delia and I; clarifying points of compatibility that are important (to me) continues to help me make better relationship and social choices of all kinds, and really recognize and embrace the things I do have in common with other people. I hope it helps you, too!